This morning, as the final step of recovering from the anesthesia, I reconnected my mental muscles to my brain. I’d only expected it to re-enable my magick: Sensing energy and connections, talking with spirits and ethereal software, and so on. But it went well beyond that.
Reconnecting with my mental muscles made me more focused and less emotional, in a good way. I don’t mean “not feeling emotions,” but rather, tempering insecurities and worries with a more accurate view of the world, shutting down unhealthy dwelling on problems, and generally being less overwhelmed by my emotions. It made me more able to sit down and work, more ready to write and research and do the heavy mental lifting required to make something worth making. It returned me to who I normally am, even though I didn’t realize I’d lost it.
And that’s the surprising thing: When my mental muscles were disconnected, I only noticed the technical magick parts missing. I didn’t even notice the change to my thinking. It was only once everything returned to normal, and I was once again aware of stray thoughts and unhealthy emotions, that I noticed how different I am without my magick facilities.
I recall, as a teen, wondering if studying magick was worthwhile. I couldn’t do any really useful abilities, and focusing on sports would certainly have made me happier. But every time I stopped, I could feel a bit of smartness slipping away. That was the only word I had for it at the time: Smartness. But now, I’m sure it was the focus and rationality I’m talking about now.
(Funny, how we can remember words we wrote from 20 years ago, but not the actual sensation. Another example of how we truly think in words.)
And so, this is one of my deepest and most-neglected reasons for studying magick: Because it makes me better. It makes me more focused, more in control of my emotions, more capable and driven, and generally, into a person I much prefer to be. And I’m wondering, is this a common experience among other mages?